Change.

Highs and lows, and a bit of deep dark despair.

We held our second party, much bigger than the housewarming. It was a success though we had too much food. So many people that RSVP'd didn't come, and some didn't even bother to RSVP. Oh that really irks me. But overall it was good. Who knew a quiet shy girl like me would enjoy parties so much?

Christmas was good. We spent too much on the party, and we had to buy a generator so money was tight. We didn't get a tree this year, which is okay. We will decorate more when kids come along in the distant future.

We have been in this new house since August, and I have yet to take advantage of my very own craft room. I have never had so much dedicated space like that before so I wonder what my problem is. It's mostly undecorated, a big mess, and our lease is up in February, though we can renew it again no problem. It depends if we start looking for our own house. If we get a foreclosed one the mortgage payment can be as low as $100. If that were really the case, I could quit my job that is quite realistically ruining my life little by little.

After talking with a friend there is actually a small series of jobs that I would go to school for. It would take about 2 years, and the field is still growing. But alas I can't fit school into my schedule right now.

So I got an adorable little cd/radio/mp3 player to put in my special craft room as well as an awesome magnifying LED light. With these two things combined I definitely see myself spending time in that room for a change and really get into making my jewelry business a success.

I am really tired of thinking about how things are just going along...time is passing, and I am in a rut that I can't get out of. I won't be this young again. Why am I wasting my youth working in a shitty job and letting everything pass me by? Change. Change. Change.

Things will change.

Artificial Social High

Artificial social high

A one man party with the music blaring into the silence of the house, where food is an optional activity for the social engagements with ones own self. Take what you can get. Dig the music on a different level, feel it vibrate through the floor and into your veins, wakening you from a long lost slumber of stumped recall and detachment from the rest of yourself. Come together with the party ingredients to concoct an artificial social high...

One song is not enough, and yet the whole night can exist over the same rifts and notes and despair that leaks out of the sound waves.

A mental rush of energy and pleasure that radiates into your entire body. And your mind fills up with a silent bliss that reacts in unison with the parallel reality that you coexist in...one song is a concert when you close your eyes. You can feel the guitar thrums and breath in that spiritual air. Emotion...feeling...reaction...all one and yet separate.

The world stops; captured in a moment of an elated sigh. Relief and dependency. Oh god is this what it feels like to be born again; to come alive from a grave that spent years in the making of habitual aloneness. To be lost among the atoms and the hidden agendas of simple words that are strung into a verbal epiphany and a regret; an expression of insights and questions that were hidden beneath the bone...to close your eyes and to be rid of the world you know and just be suspended and protected within nothingness like the pages of a tattered journal.. Everything is relative and beautiful in a state of forgiveness and understanding...deep breathes are like no breathes and chills that run down your bare arms are reminders that there is something else out there...unfriendly, defensive, and real.

Can this be the meaning...de vida?